IF YOU WERE UPSET THAT KEVIN SMITH’S PREVIOUS FILM, TUSK, LOST THE WORST OF 2014 RAZZIE QUARTERFINALS, THEN I HOPE YOU’LL JOIN ME IN ROOTING FOR THE NEXT ENTRY IN SMITH’S “TRUE NORTH” TRILOGY FOR OUR AWARDS. STARRING SMITH, JOHNNY DEPP, AND THEIR DAUGHTERS (BOTH BORN IN THE SPRING OF ‘999), YOGA HOSERS FEATURES THE GIRLS AS TEENAGE YOGA AFICIONADOS WORKING A JOB AFTER SCHOOL AT A CONVENIENCE STORE IN CENTRAL CANADA. CANADA’S CRUST BREAKS ASUNDER AND ANCIENT, EVIL MONSTERS POUR OUT THAT EMBODY GERMAN SAUSAGES HYBRIDIZED WITH NAZI SOLDIERS. IF THE MEAT SATCHELS SUCCEED IN THEIR PLOT, BOTH GIRLS, NAMED COLLEEN, MAY GET THEIR INVITATION TO A BIG SENIOR PARTY REVOKED. THEIR GREATEST ALLY MAY BE A MONTREALESE MANHUNTER.
CRITICS ARE CALLING YOGA HOSERS THE WORST FILM SMITH HAS DIRECTED SINCE COP OUT (BOTTOM 40 FILMS OF ‘010), BECAUSE DESPITE LILY-ROSE DEPP’S AND HARLEY QUINN-SMITH’S ENERGY, THERE IS NO DISCIPLINE, MODESTY, OR SUBTLETY (IRONIC BECAUSE OF ITS RECURRING SOUTH ASIAN SPIRITUALITY MOTIFS), THE FILM FAILS ON BOTH THE HORROR AND COMEDY GENRE FRONTS, AND THERE SEEMS TO BE NO AMBITION OR JUSTIFICATION IN MAKING THIS FILM. IT’S ESPECIALLY IRRITATING THAT THIS HAD TO MARK KEVIN SMITH’S NADIR, AND HIS CAREER HAS LOST ALL FORESEEABLE HOPE.
BUT DON’T LET ME TAKE HOCKEY STICK SWINGS AT YOGA HOSERS ALONE! IF YOU HAVE ANY FURTHER POINTS TO BRING UP THAT WILL ENABLE THIS TO DO BETTER THAN TUSK IN OUR AWARDS, STRIKE THE WII FIT TRAINER’S FINAL BLOW ON YOGA HOSERS BELOW!
Don't you now wish we had Worst New Star back? The daughters of Smith and Depp would be shoe-ins.
Akiva Goldsman: The writer partially responsible for this year's triple threat of The Dark Tower, Rings, and, worst of all, Transformers: The Last Knight. I'll be shocked if all three screenplays do not make the ballots.
Worst Picture - Boo 2! A Madea Halloween (nom), The Emoji Movie (nom), Fifty Shades Darker, The Mummy (nom), 9/11 (nom), and Transformers: The Last Knight (nom)
Worst Actor - Tom Cruise (nom), Matt Damon (nom), Johnny Depp, Jamie Dornan (nom), Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (nom), and Charlie Sheen (nom)
Worst Actress - Whoopi Goldberg (nom), Katherine Heigl, Dakota Johnson (nom), Tyler Perry (nom), Amy Schumer (nom), and Reese Witherspoon (nom)
Worst Supporting Actor - Jon Bass (nom), Anthony Hopkins, Eric Johnson (nom), Ben Kingsley (nom), Rob Lowe (nom), and John Turturro (nom)
Worst Supporting Actress - Kim Basinger, Faye Dunaway (nom), Laura Haddock (nom), Marcia Gay Harden (nom), Goldie Hawn (nom), and Isabela Moner (nom)
Worst Screen Combo - Any two robots, actors, or robotic actors (nom), Tom Cruise and either Sofia Boutella, Jake Johnson, or Annabelle Wallis (nom), The Entire Cast of Fifty Shades Darker, The Entire Cast of 9/11 (nom), The Entire Voice Cast of The Emoji Movie (nom), and Amy Schumer and Goldie Hawn/Snatched (nom)
Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel - Baywatch (nom), CHiPs (nom), The Emoji Movie (Rip-Off of Inside Out, The Lego Movie, and Wreck-It Ralph) (nom), Fifty Shades Darker, The Mummy (nom), and Transformers: The Last Knight (nom)
Worst Director - Michael Bay (nom), James Foley, Martin Guigui (nom), Alex Kurtzman (nom), Tyler Perry (nom), and Guy Ritchie (nom)
Worst Screenplay - The Emoji Movie (nom), Fifty Shades Darker, The Mummy (nom), 9/11 (nom), Suburbicon (nom), and Transformers: The Last Knight (nom)
Redeemer: M. Night Shyamalan