THOUGH NAOMI WATTS’ WORST PERFORMANCE THIS DECADE WAS HER RAZZIE-NOMINATED ROLE IN OLIVER HIRSCHBIEGEL’S DIANA BACK IN ‘013, SHE’S PERSONALLY TURNED OVER A NEW AUTUMN LEAF TONIGHT, BUT OBVIOUSLY ONE LESS THAN AN INCH LONG, BECAUSE HER TALENT IS THE BIGGEST THING STANDING BETWEEN SHUT-IN AND THE WORST PICTURE CHAMPIONSHIP. SHUT-IN, A PSEUDO PSYCHOLOGICAL THRILLER THAT HAD BEEN THROUGH 3 FAILED RELEASE DATES BETWEEN FEBRUARY AND OCTOBER, IS AS FAR REMOVED FROM SCARY AS THE HOUSE IT TAKES PLACE IN SEEMS DISTANT FROM THE GRID OF MAINSTREAM SOCIETY. IF FIRST-TIME SCREENWRITER CHRISTINA HODSON WAS A NATURAL WITH FILM SCRIPTS, NOBODY WOULD KNOW IT BY ITS O FOR 7 TOMATOMETER RATING. ON OPENING NIGHT, YOUTUBE’S HARSHEST REVIEW CAME FROM STUCKMANN, AND IF HIS ANALYSIS IS ANY INDICATION, SHUT-IN COULD’VE BEEN A SHOO-IN FOR WORST SCREENPLAY, IF IT WOULD’VE HAD MORE EXPOSURE TO FILMGOERS AND MORE RAZZIE PEDIGREE.
MOST OF THE FILM IS ABOUT A WOMAN, PLAYED BY WATTS, ATTENDING TO THE NEEDS OF HER OSTENSIBLY PARALYZED STEPSON IN A MANSION IN THE MIDDLE OF A FOREST, PRESUMABLY IN THE NORTHERN UNITED STATES OR THE SOUTHERN HALF OF CANADA. AFTER THE MANSION GETS COMPLETELY SNOWBOUND, THE ONLY SOURCE OF THE APPROPRIATE CLAUSTROPHOBIA THAT THE AUDIENCE FEELS IS THE SOUND DESIGN. SHE SEEMS MOST DISTURBED BY EVENTS SHE MISTAKES FOR GHOSTLY ACTIVITY, AND HER CONCERN FOR A MISSING YOUNGER BOY PLAYED BY JACOB TREMBLAY (LENNY ABRAHAMSON’S ROOM, TOP 40 FILMS OF ‘015) SEEN OUT IN THE BLIZZARD. IT ALSO DOES SKYPE CONVERSATIONS IN MOVIES ALL WRONG, WITH GENERIC DIALOGUE AND THE DISMISSIVE ATTITUDE OF OLIVER PLATT'S CHARACTER, OBVIOUSLY SHOEHORNED IN.
UNFORTUNATELY, THERE’S NO EASY WAY TO EMPHASIZE HOW MEANINGLESS THE LAST 1/3 HOUR MAKES THE WHOLE THING WITHOUT SPOILING THE SURPRISING PLOT TWIST, SO SKIP THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU DON’T WANT IT RUINED FOR SOME REASON…
…THE STEPSON WAS PARALYZED AT THE BEGINNING OF THE RUN-TIME, BUT IN THE END, THE OLDER BOY WAS FAKING IT. APPARENTLY, THE YOUNGER CHILD HAD BEEN LET IN OUT OF THE STORM, AND THIS MADE THE OLDER BOY JEALOUS, SO HE USED MENTAL GYMNASTICS TO PUT HIMSELF INTO PARALYSIS, JUST TO DRAW WATTS’ ATTENTION AWAY FROM TREMBLAY. IN FACT, THE FREAKISH SOUNDS MIGHT’VE BEEN THE STEPSON’S OWN WORK!
…BUT DON’T LET ME PELT SHUT-IN WITH BLIZZAGA SPELLS ALL ALONE! IF YOU CAN ARGUE FOR WHY SHUT-IN SHOULD BE APPOINTED TO THE WORST SCREENPLAY SEMIFINALS (OR ANY OTHER CATEGORY, HARDER AS THOSE MIGHT BE TO ARGUE FOR), PUT SHUT-IN ON RAZZIE LOCKDOWN BELOW!
Oh, and I just looked up this screenwriter. She is also co-writing the 2017 movie Unforgettable, which will star Razzie repeat offender, Katherine Heigl (Maybe she'll finally get a win).
And that is not all! She is also going to the write the Bumblebee Transformers spin-off and possibly a Harley Quinn movie. So, yeah, expect Razzies in her future.
Akiva Goldsman: The writer partially responsible for this year's triple threat of The Dark Tower, Rings, and, worst of all, Transformers: The Last Knight. I'll be shocked if all three screenplays do not make the ballots.
Worst Picture - Boo 2! A Madea Halloween (nom), The Emoji Movie (nom), Fifty Shades Darker, The Mummy (nom), 9/11 (nom), and Transformers: The Last Knight (nom)
Worst Actor - Tom Cruise (nom), Matt Damon (nom), Johnny Depp, Jamie Dornan (nom), Charlie Hunnam (nom), and Charlie Sheen (nom)
Worst Actress - Whoopi Goldberg (nom), Katherine Heigl, Dakota Johnson (nom), Anna Kendrick (nom), Tyler Perry (nom), and Amy Schumer (nom)
Worst Supporting Actor - Mel Gibson (nom), Anthony Hopkins, Eric Johnson (nom), Ben Kingsley (nom), J. K. Simmons (nom), and John Turturro (nom)
Worst Supporting Actress - Kim Basinger, Faye Dunaway (nom), Laura Haddock (nom), Goldie Hawn (nom), Isabela Moner (nom), and Rebel Wilson (nom)
Worst Screen Combo - Any two robots, actors, or robotic actors (nom), Tom Cruise and either Sofia Boutella, Jake Johnson, or Annabelle Wallis (nom), The Entire Cast of Fifty Shades Darker, The Entire Cast of 9/11 (nom), The Entire Voice Cast of The Emoji Movie (nom), and Amy Schumer and Goldie Hawn/Snatched (nom)
Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel - Baywatch (nom), CHiPs (nom), The Emoji Movie (Rip-Off of Inside Out, The Lego Movie, and Wreck-It Ralph) (nom), Fifty Shades Darker, The Mummy (nom), and Transformers: The Last Knight (nom)
Worst Director - Michael Bay (nom), James Foley, Martin Guigui (nom), Alex Kurtzman (nom), Tyler Perry (nom), and Guy Ritchie (nom)
Worst Screenplay - The Emoji Movie (nom), Fifty Shades Darker, The Mummy (nom), 9/11 (nom), Suburbicon (nom), and Transformers: The Last Knight (nom)
Redeemer: M. Night Shyamalan
I keep forgetting what film Unforgettable was, because of its vague title. Its release date is 4-21-017 (subject to change possibly), and seems like a combination of Home Sweet Hell and some erotic thriller or another about a vengeful ex-wife.
Gabriel Bahamondes (2/7): "Aside from an appealing plot twist, all the dramatic weight is carried by Watts' performance but, deep down, there's nothing more than clichés and the occasional jump scare."