Barry Sonnenfeld's NINE LIVES

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Barry Sonnenfeld's NINE LIVES

GTAHater
WHAT IF KEVIN SPACEY TRIED TO CLOSE THE DEAL ON A RECORD-SETTING TOWER, KEPT A DISTANCE FROM HIS FAMILY OVER HIS OWN BUSY CORPORATE SCHEDULE, FORGOT ALL ABOUT HIS PREADOLESCENT DAUGHTER’S BIRTHDAY, BOUGHT THE CAT SHE ALWAYS WANTED FROM A SHADY PET STORE DESPITE HIS OWN HATRED FOR CATS, GOT CAUGHT IN A MAGNETIC STORM, AND HAD HIS CONSCIOUSNESS UPLOADED TO THE CAT’S BODY? YOU END UP WITH THE CLICHÉ-RIDDEN FILM THAT SETS A NEW LOW FOR BARRY SONNENFELD (EVEN COMPARED TO 1999 RAZZIE CLASSIC #1, WILD WILD WEST [!]) THAT EVEN CAT ENTHUSIASTS CAN’T STAND BEYOND THE FIRST 1/6 MINUTE OF ONLINE CAT VIDEO CLIPS! IT’S THE NEWEST COMPETITOR TO GODS OF EGYPT FOR WORST PICTURE, AND IT’S CALLED “NINE LIVES”!

IT’S HARD TO IMAGINE WHAT FOUL, PUNGENT EVENTS COULD’VE MADE SONNENFELD, SPACEY, JENNIFER GARNER, AND CHRISTOPHER WALKEN CALL THIS AN HONEST EFFORT. EVEN CONSIDERING A HATRED BANDWAGON THAT GOT HITCHED FOLLOWING THE STUPID-LOOKING TRAILER, THIS PIECE OF GARBAGE DOES NOT CHECK OUT OF QUESTIONS ABOUT BELIEVABILITY AND PET TREATMENT. HERE ARE SOME CRAZY ALLEGATIONS:

*AFTER THE CAT SPACEY WAS TRAPPED IN REACHES THE HOME, IT GETS SET LOOSE IN AN UNFAMILIAR ENVIRONMENT, AND NOT GIVEN A DESIGNATED ROOM SPACE UNTIL THE NEXT DAY. A REAL CAT WOULD ONLY TEAR THE PLACE APART AND MARK ITS TERRITORY ON THE CARPET.

*ITS FOOD DISH AND LITTERBOX AREN’T PLACED UNTIL THE NEXT MORNING. WORSE, THE LITTERBOX IS PLACED RIGHT NEXT TO THE FOOD AND WATER, RIGHT WHERE THE CAT’S CLAWS CAN KICK UP TOXINS AND POISON THE DISHES!

*IN ONE DESPERATE MOVE, THE CAT TRIES TO SNEAK INTO SPACEY’S OFFICE TO SEE HOW THE COMPANY’S HOLDING OUT WITHOUT HIM. TWO SECURITY GUARDS TAZE THE CAT WITHOUT QUALMS. UNLIKE HUMANS, THIS CAN ONE-SHOT KILL A FELIS DOMESTICUS!

*WHEN SPACEY’S YOUNG SON GIVES UP HIS LAST HOPE OF SAVING HIS FATHER’S COMPANY FROM ITS EVENLY-MATCHED COMPETITION IN CHICAGO, HE DIVES OFF! A CHILD COMMITS SUICIDE IN A PG-RATED SUPPOSED FAMILY COMEDY?

*NOT ONLY DO THE NEWS HELICOPTERS GO BEYOND THEIR REAL-LIFE TECHNICAL CAPABILITIES BY CAPTURING VIDEO OF THE CHILD IN NEAR-FREEFALL, BUT THE CAT SOON FOLLOWS HIM OFF THE LEDGE, STARING THE BOY IN THE FACE DURING THE UNOBSTRUCTED PLUMMET!

(I FIRST FOUND OUT ABOUT THESE PROBLEMS FROM STUCKMANN’S DAMNING REVIEW, SO CREDITS TO HIM FOR ALL THIS!)

BUT DON’T LET MY MORBID CURIOSITY ABOUT NINE LIVES’ ODDS IN THE RAZZIES KILL THE CAT ALONE! IF YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT CATEGORIES IT CAN WIN, LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG BELOW!
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Re: Barry Sonnenfeld's NINE LIVES

oiram
Here is said review: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hiy7yUTeV0Y
Worst Actor - Matt Damon (nom) (Been called uninteresting and is also accused of promoting a white savior movie. Also since his buddy Ben Affleck has been nominated multiple times, why not him?), Johnny Depp (Just imagine the cruel irony of winning for the role that original got him his first Oscar nom.), Jamie Dornan (nom) (Won for the role last time, need I say more?), Tom Hanks (nom) (He managed to avoid a nom for decades, BurnHollywoodBurn from years back even described him as "Un-Razz-able", but considering how much of a let down The Circle was and how he didn't bring much to it, maybe his time is now. Plus, he'd be interesting to nominate, and it's be weird to have Watson and not him too.), Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (nom)(Not only did his movie pretty much flop, but he ends up complaining about the criticism on Twitter! Plus, he's been nominated before and Jumanji doesn't look so hot either.), and Mark Wahlberg (nom) (If this is his last "hurrah" in the Transformers movies, maybe he should get a nom as extra motivation to stay away. Marky Mark doesn't want to become a repeat offender, does he?)

Worst Actress - Katherine Heigl (SHE MUST WIN!), Scarlett Johansson (nom) (Starred in two box-office bombs, one of them with the stigma of whitewashing. Plus it'd be interesting to have her.), Dakota Johnson (nom) (Won for the role last time, need I say more?), Milla Jovovich (nom) (Considering that the last outing got her a nom, maybe she'll receive another one.), Amy Schumer (nom) (Not only has her humor been described as getting scale and one-note, but she's been labeling any criticisms of that as "evil conservatives" to try and dismiss them, and now this led up a movie that is not so well received for many reasons, not the least of which being that she did not bring the funny, and did pretty poorly at the box-office.), and Emma Watson (nom) (While starring in, at this point, the highest grossing movies of the year, she also stars in one of the biggest disappointments of the year. Could be something to pounce on.)

Worst Supporting Actor - Javier Bardem (nom) (He does not lend much to the movie he stars in, and the special effects on him make his performance look worse!), Anthony Hopkins (If he is nominated, he'll break a Razzie record. If he wins, he'll break TWO records!), Eric Johnson (nom) (Basically used to make Christian Grey look less bad by comparison!), Ben Kingsley (nom) (Not only a Razzie repeat offender, but his character in Collide keeps watching the Razzie nominated movie Perfect and keeps talking almost creepily about Razzie perennial Burt Reynolds!), Rob Lowe (nom) (Previously won a Razzie in this category, why not nominate him again if he's going to appear in films like Monster Trucks.), and John Turturro (nom) (He has made the ballots for the Transformers movies before, but always gets shut out. Maybe this will be his chance at a nom.)

Worst Supporting Actress - Kim Basinger (Basically in this movie because 9 1/2 Weeks, her first Razzie nomination.), Faye Dunaway (nom) (Razzie perennial Dunaway is attempting to make a big comeback, but starting off with The Bye Bye Man, not to mention being a part of the Best Picture flub at the Oscars, things do not look good for her.), Laura Haddock (nom) (She seems to be a good actress, but when put into a Bay movie where she has to look pretty while being a scientist, Star-Lord's mom cannot pull it off.), Marcia Gay Harden (nom) (Jane Seymour got a nomination for the parody version of the role, so why not the real thing?), Goldie Hawn (nom) (Making her big-screen comeback in Snatched... a movie which stunk and she stunk in it, a surefire way to receive a second nom in this category.), and Isabela Moner (nom) (Comes off as a preachy character, more than likely going to annoy some.)

Worst Director - Michael Bay (nom) (Going to go down in history as the most Razzie nominated director thanks to these Transformers movies. I would not be surprised if he wins.), James Foley (Previous Razzie nominee has returned after about three decades to director the sequel to the Razzie winning Fifty Shades of Grey. I'd say he has this in the bag.), Alex Kurtzman (nom) (Speaking of Transformers, one of the Razzie winning writers of the first and second one tried to start a cinematic universe, and boy howdy, did it get off to a rocky start!), Guy Ritchie (nom) (Speaking of cinematic universes, previous Razzie winner and husband of Madonna tried to start one too, and man did it turn out messy!), Chris Wedge (nom) (Going from animation to live-action and came out with a write-off... yeah...), and Zhang Yimou (nom) (Even with his stylized directing, he could not make the characters interesting, or those lizard creatures look convincing.)
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Re: Barry Sonnenfeld's NINE LIVES

Razzies are the Worst
In reply to this post by GTAHater
FYC: NINE LIVES- Worst Picture, Worst Director (Barry Sonnenfeld), Worst Actor (Kevin Spacey), Worst Supporting Actress (Jennifer Garner, Cheryl Hines, AND Malina Weissman), Worst Supporting Actor (Mark Consuelos AND Robbie Amell), Worst Screenplay (the 5 hack 'writers' who don't even deserve mention); note: Christopher Walken is (barely) exempt from serious 'Worst' consideration- the rest are a MUST for the 2016 ballot...
The 2016 Razzies ballot/nominee list were the WORST EVER! #firejohnbwilson
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Re: Barry Sonnenfeld's NINE LIVES

Vits
This post was updated on .
R.T. (0-5%): "Not meow, not ever."

Peter Travers' review.

Chris Bumbray's review.
Follow me on Twitter @Vits_Chile
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Re: Barry Sonnenfeld's NINE LIVES

Vits
WHAT THE FLICK?!'s video review.
Follow me on Twitter @Vits_Chile
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Re: Barry Sonnenfeld's NINE LIVES

Vits
This post was updated on .
In reply to this post by GTAHater
I just saw it. For your consideration:
-Worst Screen Combo for Kevin Spacey (as a human) and Jennifer Garner.
-Worst Director.
-Worst Screenplay.
-Worst Remake or Rip-Off (rip-off of THE SHAGGY DOG).
-Worst Picture.

I have a theory: Christopher Walken's character the same one from CLICK. They both use magic to teach a workaholic family man a lesson. In both cases, the magic comes from what the family man wanted to buy (something Walken's characters couldn't have control on). They have different names, but that could be on purpose. You know, to lay low and make sure nobody knows who (what?) he really is.

Dave White's review.
GTAHater wrote
*WHEN SPACEY’S YOUNG SON GIVES UP HIS LAST HOPE OF SAVING HIS FATHER’S COMPANY FROM ITS EVENLY-MATCHED COMPETITION IN CHICAGO, HE DIVES OFF! A CHILD COMMITS SUICIDE IN A PG-RATED SUPPOSED FAMILY COMEDY?
[Spoilers ahead]


Actually, he's an adult and it only seemed like he was trying to kill himself (which is still too dark for a family movie).
Follow me on Twitter @Vits_Chile
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Re: Barry Sonnenfeld's NINE LIVES

Vits
With this in mind, do you think the movie could've been good?
Follow me on Twitter @Vits_Chile
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Re: Barry Sonnenfeld's NINE LIVES

oiram
Vits wrote
With this in mind, do you think the movie could've been good?
Not sure how much better or worse that non-talking idea would have made it, but I doubt it would have been much of a difference.

As to the other part of the article, all I can say is if this movie gets nominated for/wins any Razzies, I hope Mr. Allen does not take it personally.
Worst Actor - Matt Damon (nom) (Been called uninteresting and is also accused of promoting a white savior movie. Also since his buddy Ben Affleck has been nominated multiple times, why not him?), Johnny Depp (Just imagine the cruel irony of winning for the role that original got him his first Oscar nom.), Jamie Dornan (nom) (Won for the role last time, need I say more?), Tom Hanks (nom) (He managed to avoid a nom for decades, BurnHollywoodBurn from years back even described him as "Un-Razz-able", but considering how much of a let down The Circle was and how he didn't bring much to it, maybe his time is now. Plus, he'd be interesting to nominate, and it's be weird to have Watson and not him too.), Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (nom)(Not only did his movie pretty much flop, but he ends up complaining about the criticism on Twitter! Plus, he's been nominated before and Jumanji doesn't look so hot either.), and Mark Wahlberg (nom) (If this is his last "hurrah" in the Transformers movies, maybe he should get a nom as extra motivation to stay away. Marky Mark doesn't want to become a repeat offender, does he?)

Worst Actress - Katherine Heigl (SHE MUST WIN!), Scarlett Johansson (nom) (Starred in two box-office bombs, one of them with the stigma of whitewashing. Plus it'd be interesting to have her.), Dakota Johnson (nom) (Won for the role last time, need I say more?), Milla Jovovich (nom) (Considering that the last outing got her a nom, maybe she'll receive another one.), Amy Schumer (nom) (Not only has her humor been described as getting scale and one-note, but she's been labeling any criticisms of that as "evil conservatives" to try and dismiss them, and now this led up a movie that is not so well received for many reasons, not the least of which being that she did not bring the funny, and did pretty poorly at the box-office.), and Emma Watson (nom) (While starring in, at this point, the highest grossing movies of the year, she also stars in one of the biggest disappointments of the year. Could be something to pounce on.)

Worst Supporting Actor - Javier Bardem (nom) (He does not lend much to the movie he stars in, and the special effects on him make his performance look worse!), Anthony Hopkins (If he is nominated, he'll break a Razzie record. If he wins, he'll break TWO records!), Eric Johnson (nom) (Basically used to make Christian Grey look less bad by comparison!), Ben Kingsley (nom) (Not only a Razzie repeat offender, but his character in Collide keeps watching the Razzie nominated movie Perfect and keeps talking almost creepily about Razzie perennial Burt Reynolds!), Rob Lowe (nom) (Previously won a Razzie in this category, why not nominate him again if he's going to appear in films like Monster Trucks.), and John Turturro (nom) (He has made the ballots for the Transformers movies before, but always gets shut out. Maybe this will be his chance at a nom.)

Worst Supporting Actress - Kim Basinger (Basically in this movie because 9 1/2 Weeks, her first Razzie nomination.), Faye Dunaway (nom) (Razzie perennial Dunaway is attempting to make a big comeback, but starting off with The Bye Bye Man, not to mention being a part of the Best Picture flub at the Oscars, things do not look good for her.), Laura Haddock (nom) (She seems to be a good actress, but when put into a Bay movie where she has to look pretty while being a scientist, Star-Lord's mom cannot pull it off.), Marcia Gay Harden (nom) (Jane Seymour got a nomination for the parody version of the role, so why not the real thing?), Goldie Hawn (nom) (Making her big-screen comeback in Snatched... a movie which stunk and she stunk in it, a surefire way to receive a second nom in this category.), and Isabela Moner (nom) (Comes off as a preachy character, more than likely going to annoy some.)

Worst Director - Michael Bay (nom) (Going to go down in history as the most Razzie nominated director thanks to these Transformers movies. I would not be surprised if he wins.), James Foley (Previous Razzie nominee has returned after about three decades to director the sequel to the Razzie winning Fifty Shades of Grey. I'd say he has this in the bag.), Alex Kurtzman (nom) (Speaking of Transformers, one of the Razzie winning writers of the first and second one tried to start a cinematic universe, and boy howdy, did it get off to a rocky start!), Guy Ritchie (nom) (Speaking of cinematic universes, previous Razzie winner and husband of Madonna tried to start one too, and man did it turn out messy!), Chris Wedge (nom) (Going from animation to live-action and came out with a write-off... yeah...), and Zhang Yimou (nom) (Even with his stylized directing, he could not make the characters interesting, or those lizard creatures look convincing.)
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