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Barry Sonnenfeld's NINE LIVES

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Barry Sonnenfeld's NINE LIVES

GTAHater
WHAT IF KEVIN SPACEY TRIED TO CLOSE THE DEAL ON A RECORD-SETTING TOWER, KEPT A DISTANCE FROM HIS FAMILY OVER HIS OWN BUSY CORPORATE SCHEDULE, FORGOT ALL ABOUT HIS PREADOLESCENT DAUGHTER’S BIRTHDAY, BOUGHT THE CAT SHE ALWAYS WANTED FROM A SHADY PET STORE DESPITE HIS OWN HATRED FOR CATS, GOT CAUGHT IN A MAGNETIC STORM, AND HAD HIS CONSCIOUSNESS UPLOADED TO THE CAT’S BODY? YOU END UP WITH THE CLICHÉ-RIDDEN FILM THAT SETS A NEW LOW FOR BARRY SONNENFELD (EVEN COMPARED TO 1999 RAZZIE CLASSIC #1, WILD WILD WEST [!]) THAT EVEN CAT ENTHUSIASTS CAN’T STAND BEYOND THE FIRST 1/6 MINUTE OF ONLINE CAT VIDEO CLIPS! IT’S THE NEWEST COMPETITOR TO GODS OF EGYPT FOR WORST PICTURE, AND IT’S CALLED “NINE LIVES”!

IT’S HARD TO IMAGINE WHAT FOUL, PUNGENT EVENTS COULD’VE MADE SONNENFELD, SPACEY, JENNIFER GARNER, AND CHRISTOPHER WALKEN CALL THIS AN HONEST EFFORT. EVEN CONSIDERING A HATRED BANDWAGON THAT GOT HITCHED FOLLOWING THE STUPID-LOOKING TRAILER, THIS PIECE OF GARBAGE DOES NOT CHECK OUT OF QUESTIONS ABOUT BELIEVABILITY AND PET TREATMENT. HERE ARE SOME CRAZY ALLEGATIONS:

*AFTER THE CAT SPACEY WAS TRAPPED IN REACHES THE HOME, IT GETS SET LOOSE IN AN UNFAMILIAR ENVIRONMENT, AND NOT GIVEN A DESIGNATED ROOM SPACE UNTIL THE NEXT DAY. A REAL CAT WOULD ONLY TEAR THE PLACE APART AND MARK ITS TERRITORY ON THE CARPET.

*ITS FOOD DISH AND LITTERBOX AREN’T PLACED UNTIL THE NEXT MORNING. WORSE, THE LITTERBOX IS PLACED RIGHT NEXT TO THE FOOD AND WATER, RIGHT WHERE THE CAT’S CLAWS CAN KICK UP TOXINS AND POISON THE DISHES!

*IN ONE DESPERATE MOVE, THE CAT TRIES TO SNEAK INTO SPACEY’S OFFICE TO SEE HOW THE COMPANY’S HOLDING OUT WITHOUT HIM. TWO SECURITY GUARDS TAZE THE CAT WITHOUT QUALMS. UNLIKE HUMANS, THIS CAN ONE-SHOT KILL A FELIS DOMESTICUS!

*WHEN SPACEY’S YOUNG SON GIVES UP HIS LAST HOPE OF SAVING HIS FATHER’S COMPANY FROM ITS EVENLY-MATCHED COMPETITION IN CHICAGO, HE DIVES OFF! A CHILD COMMITS SUICIDE IN A PG-RATED SUPPOSED FAMILY COMEDY?

*NOT ONLY DO THE NEWS HELICOPTERS GO BEYOND THEIR REAL-LIFE TECHNICAL CAPABILITIES BY CAPTURING VIDEO OF THE CHILD IN NEAR-FREEFALL, BUT THE CAT SOON FOLLOWS HIM OFF THE LEDGE, STARING THE BOY IN THE FACE DURING THE UNOBSTRUCTED PLUMMET!

(I FIRST FOUND OUT ABOUT THESE PROBLEMS FROM STUCKMANN’S DAMNING REVIEW, SO CREDITS TO HIM FOR ALL THIS!)

BUT DON’T LET MY MORBID CURIOSITY ABOUT NINE LIVES’ ODDS IN THE RAZZIES KILL THE CAT ALONE! IF YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT CATEGORIES IT CAN WIN, LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG BELOW!
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Re: Barry Sonnenfeld's NINE LIVES

oiram
Here is said review: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hiy7yUTeV0Y
Please let Robert De Niro finally be nominated for Worst Actor.

Please do not Razz Ben Affleck this year, at least, because there are others more deserving.

If no one will make this a quote, I will: Emily Blunt played the worst ice based character since Martin Short as Jack Frost and, before that, Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze.

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Re: Barry Sonnenfeld's NINE LIVES

Razz E. Hader
In reply to this post by GTAHater
FYC: NINE LIVES- Worst Picture, Worst Director (Barry Sonnenfeld), Worst Actor (Kevin Spacey), Worst Supporting Actress (Jennifer Garner, Cheryl Hines, AND Malina Weissman), Worst Supporting Actor (Mark Consuelos AND Robbie Amell), Worst Screenplay (the 5 hack 'writers' who don't even deserve mention); note: Christopher Walken is (barely) exempt from serious 'Worst' consideration- the rest are a MUST for the 2016 ballot...
Kevin Hart- WORSE than Ben Affleck! Zoe Saldana- WORSE than...the rest! Jason Mantouckas- same deal! #getaclueheadrazz
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Re: Barry Sonnenfeld's NINE LIVES

Vits
This post was updated on .
R.T. (0-5%): "Not meow, not ever."

Peter Travers' review.

Chris Bumbray's review.
Follow me at @Vits_Chile
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Re: Barry Sonnenfeld's NINE LIVES

Vits
WHAT THE FLICK?!'s video review.
Follow me at @Vits_Chile
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Re: Barry Sonnenfeld's NINE LIVES

Vits
This post was updated on .
In reply to this post by GTAHater
I just saw it. For your consideration:
-Worst Screen Combo for Kevin Spacey (as a human) and Jennifer Garner.
-Worst Director.
-Worst Screenplay.
-Worst Remake or Rip-Off (rip-off of THE SHAGGY DOG).
-Worst Picture.

I have a theory: Christopher Walken's character the same one from CLICK. They both use magic to teach a workaholic family man a lesson. In both cases, the magic comes from what the family man wanted to buy (something Walken's characters couldn't have control on). They have different names, but that could be on purpose. You know, to lay low and make sure nobody knows who (what?) he really is.

Dave White's review.
GTAHater wrote
*WHEN SPACEY’S YOUNG SON GIVES UP HIS LAST HOPE OF SAVING HIS FATHER’S COMPANY FROM ITS EVENLY-MATCHED COMPETITION IN CHICAGO, HE DIVES OFF! A CHILD COMMITS SUICIDE IN A PG-RATED SUPPOSED FAMILY COMEDY?
[Spoilers ahead]


Actually, he's an adult and it only seemed like he was trying to kill himself (which is still too dark for a family movie).
Follow me at @Vits_Chile
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Re: Barry Sonnenfeld's NINE LIVES

Vits
With this in mind, do you think the movie could've been good?
Follow me at @Vits_Chile
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Re: Barry Sonnenfeld's NINE LIVES

oiram
Vits wrote
With this in mind, do you think the movie could've been good?
Not sure how much better or worse that non-talking idea would have made it, but I doubt it would have been much of a difference.

As to the other part of the article, all I can say is if this movie gets nominated for/wins any Razzies, I hope Mr. Allen does not take it personally.
Please let Robert De Niro finally be nominated for Worst Actor.

Please do not Razz Ben Affleck this year, at least, because there are others more deserving.

If no one will make this a quote, I will: Emily Blunt played the worst ice based character since Martin Short as Jack Frost and, before that, Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze.

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